Julie Hamill

I’VE got nothing against men (well… gimme half an hour). No really. Men are absolutely smashing for the most part.

The men I know and consider my pals are loads of fun, intelligent, interesting, feminists. That’s probably why they’re my pals. But I digress. I’m here today to ask the big question on all and no lips: WHY IS THE WORD MEN IN THE BIGGER WORD MENOPAUSE WHEN IT HAS BUCK-ALL TO DO WITH MEN?

Firstly, why are we talking about this? Well for starters, I’ve got no ovaries.

They scooped them out with soup spoons in 2021 after finding bad lumps, which turned out to be benign growths, thankfully.

But what a big fright and a terrible time that was. A terrible time? Oh Julie, just you wait!

The removal of the ovaries pushed my body into a premature crash of surgical menopause. I say premature but – let’s stop being fake – it was likely in the post, being 49.

For reference, on examination, (I was a fascinating ‘case’, you’d better believe it) the consultant said I had the ovaries of a 26-year-old with plenty of eggs, which was bittersweet, as I could have, if I wanted to, thrust out a couple more children before turning 50. GOFFABID.

Now this surgical menopause thing (I hate the word menopause, have I said that yet?) is a mood. No ovaries means no hormones and no hormones means up to 34 symptoms coming atcha at once.

So I’m on the patches. It took a year to get the right cocktail (the right cocktail is always worth waiting for, darling, puff, puff) and a ton of horrific side effects to get me here. Had I not been such a squeaky wheel as taught by mother, I doubt I would have got what I needed.

Nobody really knows what they’re doing with this mystery pause.

GPs do slap out one sized fits all patches and pills. The initial result can put many women off taking the replacement hormones.  Mental? Haywire? Haphazard? Foggy? Puffy? Painful, Sad? Unpredictable?

Oh yes.

But I think I got away with it cos my nearest and dearest INSISTED I never changed a BIT.

But back to the title menopause bestowed by the (likely male) Ancient Greeks, cos they were the bosses back then.  An awareness of menopause can be traced back to then.

In fact, the roots of the word can be found in Greek as well—”men,” meaning month, which is related to the word moon, and “pauein” meaning to cease or stop. In other words, the time when a woman’s monthly (lunar) cycle ends.

I’m not saying the Greeks didn’t know a thing or three. But yeah let’s use a word invented 2,500 years ago why not? Okay, it makes sense now that I’ve told you but is it right for today?

I think “menopause” implies we’re off men for a while, we’re putting men on a pause, you know, just taking some chill time from men.

Hang out here guys, we’ll be back soon, you poor things. What the buck has it got to do with men?  I’m here to put the case for some alternative names.

Surely “moonostop” has a nicer ring. It keeps true to the etymology and evolves the accuracy a smidge. Or how about Lunar-end? We could go astrological: The WoMoon. “‘I’m going through the ‘womoon’. It’s a surprising time, prepare to be woo’d!”

How about the hormonocoaster?

Life is a hormonocoaster just gotta ride it! Anything but have the word men in it. As I said I’ve nothing against the testosteronocoasters.

But if you keep men in menopause they’ll only claim they suffered it first.

Julie Hamill is a writer and her next novel, June, is out in the autumn. Her previous novels Frank and Jackie are available now