Deputy editor Tom Foot finishes the day-long course by holding Jane, the tarantula [ZSL London]

YOU will be perfectly calm and relaxed and at ease in the presence of spiders, at all times, whatever the situation. Calm and relaxed around spiders. Calm and relaxed. Now you are getting closer. Feel your muscles relax. 1, 2, 3… You are almost there. You CAN make the changes. Calm and relaxed and at ease in the presence of spiders, at all times.

And so I fell under the hypnotist’s spell.

Weeks earlier I had foolhardily agreed to give London Zoo’s Friendly Spider Programme a whirl. It is a four-hour programme that starts with informative talks about behaviour – ours and the spiders’ ­–­ leading to a group hypnotherapy session, then walking beneath a mini-jungle of cricket-ingesting orb weavers, to various supervised challenges like touching and catching scuttling house spiders with cup and card, before holding the Mexican red knee tarantula Jane.

The descent into hell began just after lunch on Saturday, but the anxiety had been building for weeks before.

A spider can trigger a ridiculously panicky and violent reaction in me – a relatively mild-mannered 43-year-old – but also an estimated one million others in this country.

This particular serial killer has committed many atrocities. I have crushed with weighty tomes, pounded with shoes, toasted to a crisp Alien-style with an aerosol-lighter combo – you will know my room by the splat marks on the walls.

Aylana meeting a spider with Zookeeper Jamie Mitchell  [ZSL London Zoo]

I think some small part of my brain has always been alert to the likelihood something is lurking in my peripheral vision.

And as we took our seats in the lecture hall I noticed how other people’s eyes joined mine scanning the room’s darker corners and nooks for potential pounce-points.

These were my people.

There were just three men out of the 30, including one uneasy bloke who actually worked for the zoo with the lemurs. The nervous tension was palpable; think hospital colonoscopy waiting-room vibes.

But the ice was broken through confession.

Hoover! Argos catalogue! Big book! Shampoo AND conditioner! Hairspray! Point the cat’s laser at the spider and it will get it! Get mum! Get my neighbour! Get a taxi driver, tell them don’t worry about the journey!

We heard how a man had shot spiders with an air rifle, while a mother had mistakenly slapped her baby trying to brush one away that fell on her neck while breast-feeding.

There was much muttering in the room at tales of spiders suddenly appearing in the car, from the laundry or, as one fellow arachnophobe said, “anywhere where I am at my most vulnerable”.

“It’s the way they scurry. Their knees. The ratio of hair. The erratic movement; not knowing where they are going. The webs are everywhere. The eggs.”

We were told about how the subconscious mind was largely to blame and the phobia’s roots were most likely arachnophobe parents, a scary childhood experience or “simply being a worrying type”.

Hypnotist John Clifford

I remember my mother used to leave rows of conkers around the flat to ward off any invaders (doesn’t work).

We heard the media had a lot to answer for in hyping-up the threat level, as were the makers of Hollywood movies Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings and – of course – Arachnophobia.

Hypnotist John Clifford – who to me had begun to resemble a spider – said: “If you don’t like flying you don’t go on a plane, if you don’t like heights you don’t go for cliff-top walks. But you cannot avoid spiders.”

He added: “You look like a reasonable bunch of people. Something has to change, and it’s not going to be the spiders.”

I do feel like I can now empathise a little with them, particularly the docile and cumbersome red-kneed Jane, who it turns out has feelings just like us; although not a dazzling kaleidoscope of feelings it must be said.

My main take-away from the spider expert Dave Clarke’s informative talk was that despite their sadistic webs and calculating air, spiders are in fact a little bit dim.

That mega-beast torpedoing across the room towards you on the couch is most likely dehydrated, starving, lost and confused – probably fleeing the vibrations of your TV. It has got in the house, but doesn’t want to be there.

Another fun fact: even with eight googly-eyes, spiders have terrible vision and cannot see you let alone monitor you.

Mr Clarke said: “Their eyesight is very poor. If a spider could watch you, it would avoid you like the plague.” Chatty volunteers who had done the course before try to relax you when you arrive, telling you with borderline evangelical zeal how the experience had changed their lives forever.

Best friends Sabina (left) and Olivia (right) practice catching a spider with a cup and card [London Zoo]

My own spider senses were screaming bullshit as we filed in to the room for the highly-anticipated hypnotherapy session.

Lying like sardines on the floor, some of my fellow hypnotees got so calm and relaxed they started snoring like fog-horns.

My mind started to wander… “Does it still work if there’s snoring? Will it only work when someone is snoring? Did I leave the back door open? Is Arsenal’s Gabriel Martinelli going to be as good next year? I hope Jane woke up on the right side of the web this morning.”

Hypnotherapy is not an exact science and not everyone got little certificates at the end.

But the programme boasts a 98 per cent success rate, and is surely worth giving a go if you have £150 to spare. I can’t tell if I’m “cured” yet.

I have noticed a new spider resident in my bedroom, and for now at least I’m just leaving it be.

How you can follow in Tom’s footsteps

THANK you to ZSL London for giving Tom the chance to try the Friendly Spider Programme. It is celebrating its 30th anniversary and as has worked its magic on 5,000 arachnophobes over the years.

The course costs £150 but you can bring someone along for support free of charge.

Dave Clarke added: “For three decades we’ve made it our mission to squash myths about our eight-legged friends and help people overcome their fear of spiders – as part of ZSL’s work protecting species in the UK and across the world.”

To can sign up for a priority booking for the next available dates, visit londonzoo.org/friendly-spider-programme

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